#cynthia chapman

[asoftepiloguemylove]

"AT LEAST CURSE ME A LITTLE AT THE VERY END" // GETO SUGURU

pinterest // 呪術廻戦 Jujutsu Kaisen (2020-) dir. Shota Goshozono // pinterest // Edna St. Vincent Millay Second April // 呪術廻戦 Jujutsu Kaisen cr. Gege Akutami // Car Seat Headrest Beach Life-In-Death // Richard Siken Snow And Dirty Rain // 呪術廻戦 Jujutsu Kaisen (2020-) dir. Shota Goshozono // HAEL Who Made You A Monster? // pinterest // Cynthia Chapman // Gege Akutami 呪術廻戦公式ファンブック Jujutsu Kaisen Official Fanbook // 呪術廻戦 Jujutsu Kaisen cr. Gege Akutami // Car Seat Headrest The Ballad of the Costa Concordia // James Frey A Million Little Pieces

[stayuntilthefoglifts]

I have survived everything, but I fear that I cannot survive myself.

Cynthia Chapman

[littlelesbianintern]

if i had a nickel for every time i have lost a fictional 40s/50s lesbian couple in 2023 because of greedy corporations who hate lesbians I’d have two nickels which isn’t a lot buts it’s FUCKED UP THAT ITS HAPPENED TWICE

[warningsine]

#tumblr

[cutiealls]

cynthia chapman

[tired-truffle]

Even the Gods Cry For Us

A Viktorxfem!reader fic

Chapter Word Count: 3k

Part 5/17

Tag list: @im-just-a-simp-le-whore @potatointhedirt (if anyone else would like to be tagged with future updates let me know!)

"I have survived everything but I fear that I cannot survive myself" - Cynthia Chapman

Masterlist

Vines twisting, writhing around your ankles, your wrists, tightening around your neck as you struggled against their hold. Suffocating, dying by your own magic, too weak to fight against it. Why couldn’t you have just listened to Viktor for once in your—

Where it had once been darkness, a faint, white light blinked into existence, the dark transforming into a star-patterned sky, dim except for the small dot above you. Before you could examine it, the dark exploded into a sea of little lights, smaller than the first, but moving, like a disturbed colony of ants. The vines ceased squeezing as your limbs relaxed, a sense of ease falling over you, calming you with its comforting sway. The bright light pulsed again, pulling insistently on your magic, and though it had just betrayed you, you found yourself opening up to it anyway. 

Flowing from you and over the vines, your magic poured forth in soft, effervescent waves, the luminous wisps snaking through the twisting plants. As each thread wormed its way under wood and mortar and brick and into soil, you could feel the earth's heartbeat, the deep thrum of life carrying on unseen beneath the surface. Your senses expanded outwards, unfurling like gossamer wings as you witnessed the intricate map of souls walking above. 

In the distance, a familiar presence stirred, its essence unmistakable. Viktor. You sensed his deliberate movements, each footfall resonating through the woven matrix as he made his way toward you. Though you couldn't see him, you traced the path of his energy from Piltover - the energy in that area screaming poise and class and condescension -  vibrant and unwavering, a beacon cutting through the darkness. 

Overhead, the celestial canopy swirled, luminescent spots swirling in an endless, hypnotic waltz. You drifted in that dreamscape, lost between worlds, content to simply bask in the warmth of Viktor's nearing presence until the moment he returned to you. 

When he made it to the house, you at least had the good sense to be embarrassed about your predicament. You could only imagine what it would look like when he crested the stairs, but the vines were still too tight around your jaw and you couldn’t shout to warn him or let him know you were okay. 

His footsteps creaked up the stairs, slowly, as if he was trying to be quiet lest he disturb you. It was sweet, though you doubted that any amount of noise would have awoken you had you still been in the deepest throes of your illness. 

The sound of items clattering to the ground and a sharp gasp signalled that he’d seen your sorry state, a mummy made of magical plant matter. One step, two steps, and his fingers were grasping and pulling at the vines around your face. 

“Milá,” he breathed, panic as you’d rarely heard colouring his voice. 

You hummed your response, adding a lilting inflection, almost like a question, hoping it would calm him if he knew you were not in distress. But even if he understood, he continued his insistent tugging, and soon, like a flower blooming, the vines gave way around your eyes. 

Squinting against the sudden onslaught of light, you heard Viktor breathe a deep sigh of relief. “Are you alright?” he asked, though you were unable to answer.

When you were finally able to see again, your eyes darted from the concerned frown marring his lips, to the crease of worry between his brows. Despite your magic assuring you that he would return safely, a lingering sense of unease had gnawed at you, wondering what condition he would come back in. His skin had lost its healthy flush, the dark circles under his eyes had deepened, and his cheeks looked gaunt. How long had you been unconscious? 

You hummed again, shifting weakly beneath your leafy shackles. Viktor, understanding what you were wordlessly trying to communicate, tugged once more at vines. But they refused to budge. 

You huffed, your magic silent beneath your skin for once. Irritating that it didn’t respond when you needed it, but seemed to have no qualms about ruining everything else. 

“Please,” Viktor implored, gaze darting across the vines, “it would be most appreciated if you released her. I have medicine she requires, and I cannot administer it should you continue to restrain her.”

Any lingering confusion over his statement was instantly dispelled as those damned sparks pushed out from between the tangled vines, pulsing lowly as they sat abnormally still in your lap - like minuscule dogs on watch duty. Of course they had something to do with this. 

Whereas you were about at your wits end with these little…creatures, Viktor seemed to have an abundance of patience. 

“Allow me a moment,” he addressed the sparks as though he could understand them. 

Viktor turned and strode back towards the top of the stairs, where he'd dropped whatever he'd been carrying in his haste to reach you. Bending down, he rummaged through the abandoned bags and pouches, finally retrieving a small glass bottle, no bigger than his palm. Cradling it gently, he straightened and made his way back over to you, the sparks immediately swarming around the new object with an excited buzz.

As Viktor held the bottle out before him, the sparks zipped and darted in disorderly orbits around it, their glistering trails leaving streaks of light in the air. You could see Viktor's lips moving, though his voice was too soft to make out the words over the shrill barage of the sparks' shrieks. After a few trying minutes, the frenzied swarm slowed, the individual sparks drifting closer to inspect the bottle's contents with rapt curiosity.

The bottle itself was unassuming, a simple glass vial with a cork stopper, yet whatever was inside seemed to utterly entrance the sparks. They ran their tiny forms along its curved surface, tracing the outline of the pills within with an almost reverent awe. One particularly bold spark alighted on Viktor's outstretched hand, creeping up his wrist and forearm in a winding path until it reached his shoulder. There it paused, tilting back and forth as if weighing some great decision.

You held your breath, the moment stretching out into eternity as the spark remained motionless on Viktor's shoulder. Just when you thought your lungs might burst, it loosed a piercing trill, one that set the rest of the swarm into a burst of echoing shrieks and chitters.

As if responding to a direct command, the vines binding you suddenly convulsed, unravelling in a whirlwind of twisting green ropes. You collapsed forward with a gasp as the constricting coils abruptly released you, only Viktor's swift hands catching you prevented you from tumbling to the floor. The sparks swirled triumphantly overhead as you clung to him, trembling with relief, exhausted from both your fight and the illness still clinging to your skin, clammy and cold with sweat. 

“What happened?” Viktor asked, concern in the wide set of his eyes, his hand slipping into yours and squeezing gently. 

“I’m not great at following instructions.” You gave him a sheepish grin, eyes darting towards the door that hid his note on the other side. 

He followed your gaze, shaking his head and sighing. “I was pretty specific.”

You shrugged, though you were barely able to get your shoulders to move more than an inch. “I was pretty beside myself when I woke up and couldn’t find you, and I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.” 

“And your solution was to cover yourself in vines?” Viktor picked up a torn tendril, raising an eyebrow at you with a dubiousness that bordered on comical. 

“It wasn’t my solution,” you paused, “at least, not consciously.” 

He placed the back of his hand against your forehead and your eyes fluttered shut at the feel of his blessedly cool touch against your overheated skin. “You’re still feverish. Here, take this.” 

He held out what appeared to be a large pill, giving you time to eye it warily, before ultimately taking it, popping it into your mouth and accepting the bottle of water he pulled from his bag to help wash it down. How long had he gone without water? Or food for that matter. Guilt churned in your gut, not only because you’d been unable to summon the basic necessities of life in your sickness-induced haze, but because your first thoughts upon waking had been selfishly centred on your fear of him abandoning you. Shouldn’t you trust him enough by now? 

Before you could dwell on that thought any further, you were unexpectedly suspended in the air, Viktor’s arm beneath your shoulders and under your knees. You squealed your surprise, the sparks mimicking your noise like a hundred tiny out-of-tune music boxes. 

Viktor chuckled and had the fever not already reddened your cheeks, your blush would have diffused across your skin. 

“Proud of yourself?” You clutched at his cloak, heart hammering in your chest. 

He smirked. “Something like that.” 

And you supposed that was fair, he would have been hard-pressed to not only pick you up but to carry you as well prior to his new metallic additions. While he looked exhausted and waned, the strength he possessed soothed an anxious part of your soul that you didn’t think would ever truly stop fretting about him. 

The rough surface of the wooden floor was what you were expecting as he gently lowered you down. But to your surprise, instead of the expected discomfort, you found yourself placed atop a bed of soft blankets - the fabric plush and welcoming. When had he done that? You couldn't remember him getting up from his spot crouched in front of you, but then again, your memory was clouded by fever and delirium.  

“Soft.” You spread your fingers along the blanket, relishing in its fluff. “Where did you get this?” 

“I will tell you all about it once you are feeling better.” He brushed away the hair plastered to your sweaty brow, tucking it behind your ear. “The quicker you recover, the sooner you’ll find out.”

“I know you went back to the Academy.” Some instinctive part of you rebelled against his assertions, his motivation for you to get well. 

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow as you yawned, not bothering to cover your mouth - and you weren’t sure you would have had the strength either way. 

“The vines told me.” Even after having experienced it firsthand, it sounded silly to your ears. 

Viktor humoured you with a patient smile. “Then we shall exchange stories when you are well enough. I will tell you the details of my journey to Piltover, and you may tell me how it was exactly that the vines told you of my whereabouts.” 

You gave a grunt of affirmation, words lost in the haze of your tired mind. 

Eyelids growing heavy, you sank deeper into the plush bedding as Viktor's soothing presence surrounded you. His faint silhouette swayed in and out of focus, his gentle touch - cool hands brushing against your forehead, the rustle of fabric as he adjusted the blankets - lulling you to sleep.

Two days of mystery pills and rest, and you were feeling much improved. Your fever had broken the morning following Viktor’s return, and your energy had slowly begun to increase. You were confident in your ability to move about the house, and even summon food when the supplies that Viktor had brought back started to run low, but he was less than convinced. 

“You could at least tell me how it was to be back there,” you prodded when he denied your use of magic to summon food again, stating he would simply lower his portions. But you saw the way his strength had depleted over the past few days, and he needed all the nourishment he could get. Besides, you didn’t recall asking for permission. 

“I will concede on that.” 

You resisted the urge to fist pump your victory, instead, throwing a blanket over his shoulders, and using the ends to tug him closer, nestling up against his side as the sparks sighed happily. Much to your chagrin, they’d refused to leave you alone since the incident with the vines, and when you’d explained it all to Viktor earlier that morning, all he’d done was hum and talk about how curious they were. Irritating was more like it. But you couldn’t deny that sometimes - very seldom, mind you - they were rather adorable. 

“I have told you that I’m not cold, yes?” Viktor tilted his head to the side, making no move to extract you from his side. 

“Yeah, yeah,” you waved your hand dismissively, the sparks leaping off your finger, scampering up his knees and into the folds of the blanket. “Stop stalling and tell me already.”

“If you insist.” Viktor’s arm wrapped around your shoulder and the magic within you purred with contentment, sending a pleasant tingle through your limbs. 

“I had only meant to search through the Undercity for the supplies we required, but, when I found a passage to Piltover that had long been forgotten on this side of the city, I thought it prudent I acquire you some medication.” As he spoke, his fingers trailed up and down your arm, bringing goosebumps to the surface of your skin. “I had been hoping to avoid detection, and I would have, had Jayce not been asleep in the lab when I arrived.” 

You remained silent, allowing him space to gather his thoughts. “He has spent the time since the explosion thinking us both to be dead, and he was relieved to hear we had survived, though dubious about the disappearance of the Hexcore and my…current form. He attempted to convince me to stay, he was planning to resign from the council, and when I turned down his offer…” Viktor pursed his lips. “He did not take it well, though he did not try to block my departure.” 

“I’m sorry, Viktor.” The words paled in comparison to the solemnity of Viktor’s story, but it was all you could offer. 

“As am I,” he sighed, resting his cheek against the top of your head. “I only hope he comes to understand one day. We could not stay in Piltover like this.” 

You wrapped your arms around his waist, burying your face in the crook of his neck. “I’m glad he didn’t try to stop you from coming back.”

“Nothing could have stopped me from returning to you, miláčku,” he whispered into your hair. You smiled against the metal of his neck and felt him return the expression in the form of what you could imagine was a rather impish grin. Oh gods, what now?

“Jayce had pitchers of water and plates of food under glass domes and hooked up to our testing equipment,” he began, and with a sinking feeling in your stomach, you had an idea of where this was headed. “You know how I cannot resist a conundrum, as this no doubt was, and through the vigorous scientific inquiry of asking Jayce, I discovered that his food and water have been disappearing, seemingly by some magical force, for, eh, around a week now. Perhaps as you yourself are a mage, you would have some insight into this predicament?” 

You groaned, your face reddened and hot, though not a result of fever. “I’ve been stealing from Jayce this entire time?” 

“You’ve been stealing from the lab,” Viktor corrected. “Less targeted, but it does appear that he has been spending most of his time there.” 

“Maybe he should get out more,” you said, halfhearted in your critique. “How…” you swallowed hard, “how were the council members? Did you hear anything?” 

“If the gossip I overheard was correct, they are all alive.” 

As relieved as that made you, tension bleeding from your shoulders, you couldn’t help but notice the very specific wording he’d used. 

“But they were injured.” It wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement. You were too well versed in Viktor’s tactics to avoid and distract.

“There was remaining debris that fell after your barrier disappeared. At the time, I was much too concerned over your well-being to realize, but yes, there were some injuries.” 

Squeezing your eyes shut, you balled your hands into fists around the fabric of his cloak. A scream of frustration lodged itself in your throat. You’d tried so hard to save them, to prevent the damage, but for all your pain and suffering, they had still been hurt. 

“They - we - are alive because of you, do not forget that.” Viktor smoothed his hand over the back of your skull, a repetitive motion meant to soothe. 

He was correct, but it did little to assuage your guilt. “How bad is it?” 

He was quiet for a moment and you did your best to wait, but the headache building behind your eyes was only thinning your patience.

“Councilor Salo no longer has the use of his legs, and Councilor Kiramman…she is in a coma.” 

You saw it then, a statue, golden and muted beneath the cloudy sky, rain pattering across the three figures forever immortalized in honour of their contributions, in remembrance of their tragic deaths. Councilors Bolbok, Hoskel, and Kiramman. A daughter, angry and mourning her loss, bent on vengeance and violence. Was a coma better than death? Never knowing if she’d awaken, if they’d have to watch her slowly slip away until she became a living ghost. It was a different type of grief, to lose someone who was still alive, but no less potent. 

Slipping peacefully back to reality, you kept your eyes shut. Your visions had always been jarring, like something was ripping your consciousness out of your body and throwing it into the abyss. Yet this time, it had felt like flowing down a slow, meandering stream, drifting you from one place to the next. You weren’t sure you would have noticed if not for the extreme change in scenery. 

“Three of them were supposed to die,” you said, “I am glad they did not.”

“That is a good thing, I think.” 

You remained firmly in his arms, time slowly ticking by and a low simmer of worry spreading through you. Heal and recover, and then you could figure out how to move forward, and help save Piltover and the Undercity like Soraka believed you could. But first, and most importantly, you had to figure out how to stabilize Viktor. 

Smut Chapter

Next Chapter

A/N: There is a smut chapter linked to this one that I will add here once it's complete (likely today or tomorrow) but you don't have to read it if you don't want to!

Let me know what you think!

[eesirachs]

masterlist of introductory materials for the hebrew bible and new testament

below are resources intended for beginners. these would be assigned to upper level undergraduate theology courses or first year theological master degree courses. they represent academic/ "the Academy's" mode of introducing material. bold are titles most frequently used in syllabi.

these are just general introductions, done well but limited by scope. they attend to the testaments as a whole, not their individual books. i recommend, after getting introduced, that your self-study explore particular books, and then, particular hermeneutics: womanist theology, feminist, mujerista, postcolonial, queer, liberation, etc.

as always i recommend reading the texts themselves: an nrsvu(e) translation is expected in academic theology, and this one is a great annotated version.

sefaria is also useful—a jps translation that allows you to see alternative translations for each word

hebrew bible

Collins, John J. Introduction to the Hebrew Bible : And Deutero-canonical Books. Third ed. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2018.

Coogan, Michael David, and Chapman, Cynthia R. The Old Testament : A Historical and Literary Introduction to the Hebrew Scriptures. Fourth ed. New York: Oxford University Press, 2018.

Brueggemann, Walter., and Linafelt, Tod. An Introduction to the Old Testament : The Canon and Christian Imagination. Second ed. Louisville, Ky.: Westminster John Knox Press, 2012.

Gottwald, Norman K. The Hebrew Bible : A Socio-literary Introduction. Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1985.

Hasel, Gerhard F. Old Testament Theology: Basic Issues in the Current Debate. 4th ed. Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991.

Butterfield, Robert A., and Westhelle, Vítor. Making Sense of the Hebrew Bible. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf & Stock, 2016.

new testament

Allison GT. Fortress Commentary on the Bible. The New Testament. (Aymer MP (editor), Fortress Press; 2014. 

Holladay CR. Introduction to the New Testament : Reference Edition. Baylor University Press; 2017.

Green, Joel B. 2010. Hearing the New Testament : Strategies for Interpretation. 2nd ed.. Grand Rapids, Mich.: W.B. Eerdmans Pub. Co. 

Powell, Mark Allan. 2018. Introducing the New Testament : a Historical, Literary, and Theological Survey. Second edition.. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Academic. 

Carter, Warren. 2006. The Roman Empire and the New Testament : an Essential Guide. Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press. 

Smith, Mitzi J. 2018. Toward Decentering the New Testament : a Reintroduction. Edited by Yung Suk Kim. Eugene, OR: Cascade Books.

Ehrman, Bart D. A Brief Introduction to the New Testament. New York: Oxford University Press, 2004.

Barton, Stephen C., ed. The Cambridge Companion to the Gospels. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2006.

Bockmuehl, Markus, and Donald A. Hagner, eds. The Written Gospel. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2006.

Perkins, Pheme. Introduction to the Synoptic Gospels. Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2007.

Stanton, Graham. The Gospels and Jesus. 2d ed. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2002.

[undying-love]

Paul's stepsister calls John Paul's "wife"

"Paul and the world had just lost someone very dear to them. I had lost my Uncle John, the myopic, misunderstood, manipulative, mystifying Mop-Top who had helped me to learn to ride a bicycle; Julian and Sean had lost a father; Cynthia, her knight in shining armour; Yoko, a fellow artist, contemporary and house husband...and Paul? Well, call me crazy, but he lost the wife. I’m certainly not implying anything of a carnal nature here, but to almost all intents and porpoises (as John would have put it), what they had was a marriage. Mark David Chapman’s selfish quest for his Warhol-esque fifteen minutes of fame was the fatal wound to an injured relationship that had lasted almost 23 years. This unconventional partnership, much like a paradigmatic marriage, had endured its sundry situations...its honeymoon period; its seven year itch; the adoption of its offspring by Northern Songs and some time foster parent Michael Jackson; the tender temptations of Jane, Cynthia, Yoko, Linda, May Pang and others. [...] On the February 9, 1964, Ed Sullivan shone the proverbial light on the viewing public. The long night was over. The Beatles had conquered America. For the next two and a half years, John and Paul, (together with George and Ringo), would travel, eat, rehearse, write, play, record and “sleep“ (again, not literally) together." ---Ruth McCartney

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Honeymoon period", "the tender temptations of Jane, Cynthia, Yoko, Lina, May Pang", "they would 'sleep'(not literally) together", "Im certainly not implying anything carnal here"......JESUS

Source: https://articles.absoluteelsewhere.net/Articles/ruth_mccartney.html

[book--brackets]

Summaries under the cut

Tales from the Wyrd Museum by Robin Jarvis

In a grimy alley in the East End of London stands the Wyrd Museum, cared for by the stranger Webster sisters -- and scene of even stranger events. Wandering through the museum, Neil Chapman, son of the new caretaker, discovers it is a sinister place crammed with secrets both dark and deadly. Forced to journey back to the past, he finds himself pitted against an ancient and terrifying evil, something which is growing stronger as it feeds on the destruction around it.

Cobble Street Cousins by Cynthia Voigt

Meet the Cobble Street Cousins!

Lily, who wants to be a poet Tess, who wants to be a Broadway star Rosie, who wants a little cottage with flowers by the door

Right now, though, the cousins are sharing an attic bedroom in their Aunt Lucy?s light blue house on Cobble Street, and happily making plans for the summer. A cookie company seems the perfect way to make a little money, but it turns out to be much more -- an opportunity to meet some very special neighbors!

The Tiara Club by Vivian French and Sarah Gibb

On the first day at the Princess Academy, everything goes wrong. The girls' ball gowns are ruined. What will Princess Charlotte and her friends do without their beautiful gowns?

Help I'm Trapped... by Todd Strasser

Jake Sherman used to be your average, ordinary twelve year old, until he became a completely different person. Tall, skinny, balding, nerdy. . .OH NO! Jake's turned into his weirdo teacher, Mr. Dirksen!

It's bad enough that Jake's an adult now, but a teacher? The geekiest, most made-fun-of teacher in the whole school? Jake's sister Jessica is the only person who'll believe him--and even she's a little suspicious.

Jake and Jessica better find a way to get things back to normal fast--not only because Jake's going crazy, but also because dorky Mr. Dirksen is running around in Jake's body! The nightmare is only beginning!

The Incredible Worlds of Wally McDoogle by Bill Myers

Twelve-year-old Wally, a computer whiz who is a "walking disaster area," ends up in a competition with the bully of Camp Whacka-Whacka, and when they find themselves fighting for their lives, Wally realizes that even his worst enemy needs God.

Silly Verse for Kids by Spike Mulligan

Silly Verse for Kids - a hilarious collection of silly poems by Spike Milligan! A collection of the absurd, ridiculous, sublime and characteristically anarchic verse from the brilliant Spike Milligan. With his very own illustrations, this collection, which includes the famous On the Ning Nang Nong will make you laugh from the bottom of your belly - just like Spike did.

Minoan Wings by Wendy Orr

The little girl found under a bush has no name and cannot speak. Is she a miracle child who escaped the raiders, or is she a bad-luck child, the one who called the Bull King's ship to the island? No one sees the mama-stone around her neck, with the sign of the dragonfly. And only Luki, in training to leap the bulls, knows that she charmed the viper who would have killed him. When the girl turns twelve, she discovers her name - Aissa - and she knows that her one chance to live freely is to become a bull dancer, and be taken away to the island of the Bull King.

Candy Fairies by Helen Perelman

In Chocolate Dreams , Cocoa the Chocolate Fairy is blamed for the missing chocolate eggs—but really it’s the sour troll Mogu who stole them! Can Cocoa save the chocolate eggs and restore the balance of Sugar Valley?

Little Old Mrs. Pepperpot by Alf Proysen

Waking up one morning to find you've shrunk to the size of a tiny pepperpot isn't an ordinary, everyday event for most people - but then Mrs Pepperpot is a very extraordinary person! When she's around little things can turn into great big adventures - especially when they involve getting stuck in a draw full of macaroni. . .

The Doll Shop Downstairs by Yona Zeldis McDonough

Nine-year-old Anna and her sisters love to play with the dolls in their parents' doll repair shop. But when World War I begins, an embargo on German-made goods-including the parts Papa needs to repair the dolls-threatens to put the family's shop out of business. Fortunately, Anna has an idea that just might save the day.

[acetone4veins]

Mean Girls + Quotes Part 2

Find part 1 here

More quotes that remind me of mean girls characters and their various relationships :)

Regina

"i became bitter and untouchable. i craved affection but even the mere thought of someone caring made my stomach turn."

unknown

"i have survived everything but i fear that i cannot survive myself."

Cynthia Chapman

"was i raised without love? or was i born unlovable?"

unknown

"am i lonely because no one cares, or am i lonely because i'm not strong enough to let anyone get close enough to care?"

Rob Hill Sr.

"of course i look angry all the time. my entire life i've been fighting a war. i am soaked in pain and sadness. the irony however, is that i'm not actually angry, i'm trying to learn how to be happy. and that in itself is a war."

unknown

Cady

"i thought - i want to go home. i want to be in a place that feels like home. where that was, i did not know."

Katie Kitamura

"i understood myself only after i destroyed myself. and only in the process of fixing myself did i know who i really was."

Sade Andria Zabala

“do you ever wonder where you took a wrong turn? where your life became the exact opposite of what you wanted it to be?”

unknown

"i have always tried to make a home for myself, but i have not felt at home in myself."

Jeanette Winterson

Janis

"of course i'm angry. do you have any idea how many times someone should have helped me?"

unknown

"hurt an artist and you'll see masterpieces of what you've done."

unknown

"i don't feel guilt at being unsociable, though i may sometimes regret it because my loneliness is painful."

Susan Sontag

Gretchen

"what a sick little head, your love always turns into obsession."

unknown

"i don't think people love me. they love versions of me i have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. the easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love."

unknown

“i only know how to exist when i’m wanted.”

Mary Lambert

"i don't want to beg. i know you can feel it, my longing, the aching, my need for love. i don't want to beg. but oh god - oh god, please. please. love me. love me."

unknown

"for once i need to choose myself, or else i'm going to lose myself."

Veronika Jensen

Karen

“i believe in some blending of hope and sunshine sweetening the worst lots. i believe that this life is not all; neither the beginning nor the end. i believe while i tremble; i trust while i weep.”

Charlotte Brontë

Regina and Janis

"longing, how soft a word for such a ravenous feeling. how we hunger in silence."

Pavana

"dig your teeth into me. come on, i dare you. take a bite. open me up; raw and candy floss pink on the inside. make it hurt. i figure, you're going to hurt me one way or another. might as well be with your mouth."

Ashe Vernon

"i don't know what to do without you, i don't know where to put my hands."

unknown

"you are the knife i turn inside myself; that is love."

Franz Kafka

"i love you and i always will and i am sorry. what a useless word."

Ernest Hemingway

Regina and Cady

"i love you. i love you unconditionally. i loved you even in my ignorance. i loved you when i didn't even know. i just love you."

unknown

"and on some days, i wish our paths had never crossed because you don't know how heartbreaking it is to know that someone like you exists in this world and i cannot have you."

unknown

“i must have you exclusively, fiercely, possessively.”

Henry Miller

"i still haven't figured out how to sit across from you, and not be madly in love with everything you do."

William C. Hannan

“fuck my pride. fuck everything. i’m so desperately hungry for you.”

Henry Miller

Gretchen and Karen

"the way our fingers intertwine feels so natural and right; as if our hands hold memories of meeting in a thousand other lifetimes."

John Mark Green

"when i think of life, i think of you. when i think of love, i think of you. safe to say that i really like thinking about life with you."

unknown

"come on, dance with me. the earth is spinning. we can't just stand on it."

Dino Ahmetovic

Regina and Gretchen

"i suffer in my loving, and you know it."

Willa Cather

"i loved you to the point of ruin. i loved you until my lungs were filled with ash."

Tina Tran

[brokehorrorfan]

The Darkest Night will be published in paperback and e-book on September 24 via Crooked Lane Books. The 320-page anthology of winter horror stories is edited by Lindy Ryan and includes an introduction by George C. Romero.

It features 22 stories by Josh Malerman, Eric LaRocca, Clay McLeod Chapman, Rachel Harrison, Christopher Golden, Tim Lebbon, Jamie Flanagan, Kristi DeMeester, Nat Cassidy, Darcy Coates, Tim Waggoner, Hailey Piper, Thommy Hutson, Gwendolyn Kiste, Sara Tantlinger, Christopher Brooks, M. Rickert, Cynthia Pelayo, Lee Murray, Mercedes Yardley, Stephanie M. Wytovich, Jeff Strand, and Kelsea Yu.

From some of the biggest names in horror comes an Advent calendar of short holiday horror stories perfect for the darkest nights of the year. Edited by award-winning author and anthologist Lindy Ryan and with contributions from masters of horror like Josh Malerman, Eric LaRocca, and Clay McLeod Chapman, this horrific anthology will chill you to the bone.

Pre-order The Darkest Night.

[singeratlarge]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Shirley Bassey, Melvin Carter III, Graham Chapman, C.P. Ellis (ex-segregationist turned civil rights activist), Cynthia Erivo, Bob Eubanks, Jose Ferrer, Angie Gilbert, Bill Graham, Handel’s 1705 opera ALMIRA, Stephen Hawking, Marcus Hutson (The Whispers), Mattel’s Intellivision (1980), Lee Jackson (The Nice), the brave Maximilian Kolbe, Robby Krieger, Rachel Lampa, Cristy Lane, Gypsy Rose Lee, Jenny Lewis, Little Anthony, disc jockey Bob Longman (thank you for playing my music), Yvette Mimieux, actor/singer-songwriter Ron Moody, the 1981 musical PIRATES OF PENZANCE, John Peterson (Beau Brummels), Elvis Presley + his 1956 single “Don’t Be Cruel” + his 1993 postage stamp, Soupy Sales, Shostakovich’s 15th Symphony (1972), pianist Abbey Simon, Larry Storch (pleased to have met you), Terry Sylvester (The Hollies), Andrew Wood (Mother Love Bone), Ted Yoder, and the hugely influential, innovative, and inspirational English actor/singer-songwriter David Bowie. His music has brought me countless hours of joy and insight, and tributes to him will abound this week. For my part I am listing 12 Bowie songs that resonate with me at this moment:

 

Aladdin Sane (1973) All the Madmen (1970)

Days (2003) Everyone Says ‘Hi’ (2002)

Fame (1975) ‘Heroes’ (1977) Jump They Say (1993)

Life on Mars (1971)

Space Oddity (1969)

Starman (1972)

Stay (1976)

+ (one I aim to cover someday) the powerful “techno spiritual” Dead Man Walking (1997):

 

“Let me dance away [Till I swivel back round then I fly fly fly] Now I'm wiser than dreams 

[Losing breath from the water when I'm gone gone gone] Let me fly fly fly [Spinning slack through reality] While I'm touching tomorrow [Deadens my brain falling up through the years] And I know Who's there [Till I swivel back round then I fly fly fly] [Losing breath from the water when I'm gone gone gone] When silhouettes fall [Spinning slack through reality]

And I'm gone, Like I'm dancing on angels And I'm gone through a crack in the past

Like a dead man walking…”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlL_4CupuLo

 

...and check out my cover of “Starman” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkT9RIujApg

 

...Meanwhile, HB DB and thank you for sharing your explorations in the universe of sound and vision.

 

#davidbowie #singersongwriter #actor #mikegarson #bowiecelebration #bowiealumni #deadmanwalking #birthday #johnnyjblair

[anyon-else]

I Fought Time; It Won in a Landslide (The Red Room pt.4) | You knew that Orochimaru wasn't an ethical man, but you had never considered that his training methods would result in trauma. Kakashi begged to differ. (Marvel AU) – spotify playlist | read on ao3

Pairings | Kakashi Hatake x Black Widow!Reader + Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha, Naturo Uzumaki, Orochimaru (mentioned), Kabuto Yakushi, Might Guy

Warnings | paranoia, mentions of torture, hearing voices, description of violence

Word count | 4.7k

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"I have survived everything, but I fear that I cannot survive myself."

Cynthia Chapman

Doubt was a very dangerous thing. It was debilitating, wholly and completely.

It was what kept you paralyzed in your bed, unable to move as you tried to convince yourself that you were no longer in the Red Room.

You closed your eyes, squeezing them tight enough that it was painful. When you opened them, you weren't in a bedroom anymore. Concrete walls surrounded you on all sides, illuminated by a flickering lamp hanging from the ceiling. You felt invisible restraints keeping your wrists tied down, but you couldn't move your arms to test their strength. You were being interrogated by Widows with more experience. Their loyalty had already been tested, and now it was your turn.

They were being ruthless. You couldn't breath. You could barely see past the tears clouding your vision, so you couldn't tell who was hovering over you.

They had to do it. You knew that. This was a test for them too, and their instructions were to treat you like you were the enemy.

A chill rushed through you. It reminded you of the cold, and of snow pushing into your spine in the frozen Siberian mountains. You blinked once, and suddenly you were back. You were on a mission, and your partner was hovering over you with a tensed jaw as she looked at the gash that started at your jaw and ran down your neck and shoulder until it stopped just above your chest. A gag was choking you, keeping you from screaming as your wounds were cauterized and sown sloppily shut with unpracticed hands.

You blinked again, and the pressure was gone. You were left twitching as the phantom pain faded from your neck. Your scar ached as if the wound was still fresh.

Slowly, the darkness of your bedroom faded back into view. You tried to force yourself back to the present, reminding yourself of why you were here.

Just the thought of completing your mission with Kakashi made your chest seize. The longer you waited for some sort of reprieve from the weight pressing against you, the harder it became to breath.

The Red Room was all you had ever known. If not for Sakura, escape likely wouldn't have crossed your mind. Fear was too powerful of a weapon, and Orochimaru was an expert weilder.

But now you were free. You were free, and you had no orders.

You're nothing without orders, a voice in your head hissed.

That voice wasn't your own. Instead, Orochimaru was whispering the venomous words in your ear, forcing you to believe that his guidance made you whole. It was the same as when you were gathered together with the other Widows, listening to him as he tried to convince you that he was the reason you were alive. That without him, you were nothing but an empty shell.

He gave your life meaning, he told you. Again and again and again until it was all you could believe.

He had always been very persuasive. You wanted to submit to his will even when he was a mere ghost floating above you. He was a shadow of himself, and he still had the power to completely incapacitate you. His power over you was still absolute.

"My Widow's will change the world," you remembered him saying once, and you'd believed him. You would've believed anything he said so long as it gave you purpose.

Your room was pitch black, and though you wanted to, your terror wouldn't allow you to move enough to turn on the lights.

It was hard not to see Orochimaru's face above you, forming through the deceptive shadows floating like clouds across your vision. He smiled at you. It was a smile that haunted you every time you saw it, first on his own face, then on Sakura's, and now here, conjured by a mere memory and your own pathetic fear.

Go away, you thought, lips cracking open in a soundless imitation of the words. Leave me alone.

"I know you don't want that."

His voice was like a shock through your body, familiar and terrifying. The words were foreign, so not from a memory, but the cadence, the tone, the addicting way he spoke that made you believe that your life really did have meaning—you recognized it all.

It was clearer than before, so much so that it almost brought you back. Back to your younger body, bowed at his feet and ready to do anything he said.

You just had to follow his orders, and you'd matter. You'd have a reason to live. A purpose.

Was he inside your head? Was he toying with you, waiting until you had let your guard down before taking control like he did with Sakura?

If that was the case, it meant that you were compromised. You would be a liability on the mission, and more importantly, you would be a danger to Sakura.

"Shit. Shit."

You gripped the sheets in white-knuckled fists, trying to calm your racing heart. In the dark, you began wondering if you had been fooling yourself all along. It was possible that you'd never left the Red Room in the first place. Maybe none of this had been real.

Maybe Sakura had never been real at all. Maybe she was just the ghost of a companion that you conjured up to help cope with the sad reality of your existence.

You were out of bed and through your door before your mind had a chance to catch up with your movements. You were working through your emotions so slowly that you barely realized you'd moved at all until you were stepping down the hallway, feet falling heavily in a rare moment of carelessness. You knew that Kakashi was a light sleeper, or he wouldn't have heard you struggling against Sakura nights earlier.

Though it wouldn't really matter if Kakashi had never existed in the first place.

When you reached the hospital door, you wasted little time pushing it open and stepping inside. Sakura was there, sleeping soundly and deeply on her side, chest rising and falling evenly.

Relief rushed through you in a wave, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. You realized with a start that, if Orochimaru really had gotten inside your head, then you should've been as far from Sakura as possible. You should've been out of the compound entirely, where you wouldn't be a threat. Your desperation had made you careless. Again.

When you turned to leave, you had to fight not to lash out when you saw Kakashi blocking your exit. He stood in the doorway, arms spread to either side of the frame as he looked at you with bleary eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

He didn't look nearly as suspicious of you as he would have a few days ago, but caution still lingered. You saw it as he looked past you, checking to make sure that Sakura was safe.

"I hear him," you said, breathless as you tried to speak through your growing panic. There was no easy way to explain your muddled thoughts, and Kakashi's furrowed brow was evidence enough that you weren't articulating your panic well, "he's in my head. I heard him earlier, and I had to...to make sure..."

You knew you weren't making sense, but Kakashi understood enough to pull you out of the room and shut the door firmly behind you.

Prioritizing Sakura's safety. It was what you should've done from the beginning.

"Tell me again. And slow down."

You shook your head. How were you supposed to explain this? If you did, Kakashi would remove you from the mission. Probably kick you out of the compound.

He might killed you.

"Orochimaru," you whispered, "I heard him earlier. He's in my head."

Kakashi's eyes widened only a fraction, but he showed no other sign of alarm. He just looked at you, watching you carefully before giving you a calculated once-over. When he deemed you in-control of yourself and largely unaffected by what was happening other than your panic, he turned and began walking towards his bedroom.

"Come on," he said, sounding tired again.

He led you inside with little hesitance, closing the door behind him and sitting back on the bed in the middle of the room with an exhausted sigh. You stood awkwardly a few feet from him, not exactly sure what he expected you to do from here.

"He's not in your head."

Panic was still eating away at you, but you looked up at his words. Anger pierced through your anxious shell, flaring into something like hatred.

No. Not hatred. This wasn't the same as that.

"Who the hell do you think you are to tell me what's real?" you snarled, hands itching to wrap around his throat again. "I know what happened. I was there. Are you really so arrogant that you think you know what it's like inside my head–"

"You have PTSD," Kakashi interrupted. You paused, anger freezing over. It was still there, still looking for some outlet, but it faded into a cold shock as Kakashi's words sank in.

"I know what it looks like. I've seen it firsthand. This isn't like what happened to Sakura. You're hearing his voice because he tortured you."

Tortured. It sounded so foreign. It sounded wrong. It wasn't torture, it was training.

"I would've known. I would've felt something like this before now," you muttered, refusing to meet his eyes. You knew he was staring at you, and looking back felt like it would've been an admittance that he was right.

An admittance that you weren't being controlled. That you were just broken.

"Did you ever get a break from it?" Kakashi asked, "I don't know what happens there, but I know one thing: Sakura isn't the same as when she left. There's a reason for that, and it's the same reason that you're hearing his voice.

"But now you're out, and he can't get to you. Your brain just hasn't had time to catch up until now."

You laughed. It was short and harsh and completely involuntary. You couldn't afford breaks in the Red Room. If you'd let your guard down, you probably would've lost your mind.

You laughed again.

"Christ," you whispered, "so now I get to be haunted by his voice for the rest of my life just because I've let myself relax? What a sick joke."

Orochimaru's voice hadn't come back since you'd been alone in your room, stuck with your racing thoughts. You didn't want to admit to yourself or to Kakashi that his assessment had some logic to it, partly because being haunted by Orochimaru's voice wasn't exactly your idea of freedom, and partly because you didn't want to admit that Kakashi was right.

"I'm still going on the mission," you finally told him firmly, prepared to turn and leave at the slightest hint of hesitation. You weren't going to let this get in the way of what was important, and right now, saving Sakura took priority over trying to figure out what was happening in your head.

"I know," Kakashi said lightly. You looked up to see that he had settled into his bed, hands pillowing his head and eyes closed. You wondered just how badly things would've ended if you kicked him in the stomach. Maybe that would've released some of the tension building in your chest.

"Good," you said instead, turning on your heel and swinging his door open. You gave him one last glance, trying to see if this had done anything to make him trust you less. You were half expecting him to stop you from leaving and take you back to your cell, deeming you too unstable to be wandering around the compound. But he looked perfectly content where he was.

He didn't seem eager to continue the conversation. His eyes were still shut, and you knew an invitation to leave when you saw one.

The thought of going back to your bedroom made you shiver. Echoes of Orochimaru's voice were still lingering in your mind, and now that you were alone, you could hear them getting louder.

Instead, you walked in the opposite direction, guided by the dim glow of fluorescence that eventually brought you to a small kitchen. A quick glance told you that it was rarely used, which was evidenced by the constant presence of take-out boxes around the compound. The fridge was similarly understocked, but you moved cartons and containers to the side until you found an unopened water bottle.

"Oh."

The voice froze you in place, leaving you gripping the drink hard to keep yourself from reacting on instinct. Once you calmed enough to evaluate who had spoken, your grip on the bottle slackened, and your eyes fell shut. His was the first voice you'd heard when you woke up here, and he had made sure to keep his distance from you since then.

When you met his gaze, Naruto was watching you with wide eyes, frozen in place as if any movement would make you pounce. You stood just as still, trying to look as nonthreatening as possible.

The image of his face pressed against the bars of your cell came to mind, and you winced. You'd been out for blood the moment you woke up, willing to barrel through anything and anyone to get to Sakura. He had just happened to be the first person in your path.

"Um," he took a hesitant step forward, then thought better of it and backed away, looking around as if the answer of how to handle the situation would be written on the walls somewhere, "I...just came for some ramen."

You nodded, giving your best attempt at a friendly smile and backing away from the fridge to let him pass. He took his opportunity, slipping through the door and hugging the counters until he was against the opposite side of the room, still watching you as you replaced him in the doorframe.

"Good night," you spoke quietly, head bowed. It felt foreign, especially in the face of a weaker opponent, but it was all you could think to do to ease the tension in the room and make him feel a bit safer in your presence.

It only took a moment after you left for you to hear the clatter of pots and pans as Naruto began preparing his late-night snack, and you smiled. At least you weren't threatening enough to completely paralyze him. It was just your proximity that made him wary.

Approaching your bedroom again was just as daunting as leaving it had been. You tried not to let your mind wander past what was right in front of you. The hallway that led to your bedroom was cascaded in a low, ambient light. The door to your bedroom had been left open, and the sheets were a tangled mess on the floor. Your reflection was haggard, more-so than it had been when you'd left the Red Room.

Your mental strength was waning. You couldn't even stand to focus on the present for more than a few seconds before the past came creeping back to the forefront of your mind, latching on and refusing to let go until it had leeched you to complete exhaustion.

It was with the image of Orochimaru's grin in your head that you fell asleep, where he followed you into your dreams.

"Kakashi!"

The familiar voice was grating to Kakashi after very little sleep, but it wasn't unwelcome.

Kakashi knew that Sasuke would object to having Guy stay in the compound during the mission, but considering the circumstances, he didn't really have another option. Sakura's combat skills had clearly improved during her time in the Red Room, and if she could overpower Sasuke and Naruto while in some sort of trance, then all of this would've been for nothing.

Sasuke whipped around toward Guy's booming voice, something like betrayal clouding the glare that he shot at Kakashi.

"Thanks for coming," Kakashi extended a hand towards his friend. Guy bypassed it, pulling Kakashi into a crushing hug that he'd been hoping to avoid.

"Alright, Guy," he grunted, "good to see you too."

"This must be Y/N!" Guy beamed at where you stood in the far corner of the room. He released Kakashi and held his hand out, approaching you with heavy steps. Kakashi scowled at the all-too-normal greeting that Guy never reserved for him. You took his hand hesitantly, offering a tight-lipped smile in response to Guy's enthusiasm.

"Thank you for doing this," Kakashi interrupted. The silence was becoming tense, and he didn't like the look in your eyes as you studied Guy. Like you were analyzing an enemy.

Kakashi had tried not to make you seem like a threat when he'd explained the situation to Guy, but his efforts had been pointless.

"She could be playing you."

While he knew that you were likely used to this much animosity, the tension that constantly lifted your shoulders was doing nothing to make you seem less suspicious.

"It's not a problem," Guy grinned again, though it wasn't as bright as before. "Kakashi, a word?"

The request was casual, but the tense smile on Guy's face sent the opposite message. You were looking between the two carefully, meeting Kakashi's eyes for a moment as he led Guy out of the room.

"Are you sure about this, Kakashi?" he asked when they were just barely out of earshot.

"Sure about what?"

Guy huffed, and his frustration didn't escape Kakashi. He knew that the man was just worried. Kakashi would've been too, and in any other situation, he wouldn't have been so irritated by the constant questioning of his judgement. But this was different. He couldn't complete this mission without you, and he couldn't save Sakura without this mission. If she stood any chance of breaking from Orochimaru's hold, then there was no avoiding this partnership.

"You know I trust you, Kakashi. If you say that she's reliable, then I believe you. I just don't want to see you getting attached to another lost cause."

Kakashi bristled.

"There's nothing to worry about," he said shortly. Guy bit down on the inside of his cheek; maybe that comment hadn't been the best mode of diplomacy.

"You know what I mean. If she's a double agent, then I doubt you'll have any chance of saving Sakura."

"I'm trusting my gut here," Kakashi said firmly, hoping that this would bring an end to what felt like a never-ending argument, "you didn't see how desperate she was to make sure that Sakura was safe. When Sakura attacked her, it was like she was in shock. Faking things like that isn't easy."

"You can't build a false sense of security based on something 'not being easy.' You need to be sure."

Kakashi paused at the look on Guy's face. It wasn't one that he saw often, and he couldn't help the sliver of doubt that entered his mind. Was he wrong about you? Was this mission a mistake?

Should he have taken your advice and locked you up?

No, he thought, shutting his eyes to block out Guy's calculated gaze. This isn't about doubt. There are only the facts: this could be the only way to help Sakura. If something goes wrong, I'll deal with it. But I'll cross that bridge if it comes.

Guy seemed to sense Kakashi's resolve and deflated, tension melting from his shoulders.

"If you're sure," he said, grin falling back into place. He placed a weighted hand on Kakashi's shoulder, giving it a squeeze as he walked past. Kakashi leaned back against the wall, shutting his eyes and attempting to stop himself from coming up with dozens of worst-case scenarios. Instead, he thought about how much you seemed to care about Sakura. About how you had shielded her with your own body when Kakashi came to rescue her. You were prepared to die for her, and right now, that was enough for Kakashi. It had to be.

When Kakashi finally followed Guy back into the lounge, he almost laughed at what he was seeing. It seemed that Guy had gotten over his apprehension towards you rather quickly, as he was in the middle of a very enthused and very one-sided conversation with you about one of his students. You nodded along, but Kakashi could see how hard you were gripping your seat. You weren't really listening to Guy, instead fighting some instinct leftover from the Red Room. The padding on the chair was flattening under your palms, and Kakashi wondered if you'd end up breaking it before Guy was finished talking.

The television on the opposite side of the room was playing quietly, but Kakashi wasn't surprised to see Sasuke watching your and Guy's interaction carefully.

"Guy? What are you doing here?"

The sudden scrape of your chair against the floor startled Naruto more than Sakura's voice had. He spun towards the commotion at the same time that Sasuke jumped over the back of the couch, standing in tense anticipation of your movements. Kakashi closed his eyes in silent prayer that any god out there would lend him some strength.

"Sakura," you began walking towards her, but paused when Sasuke mirrored your movement, eyes narrowed dangerously. You contemplated continuing on anyways, but stayed where you'd frozen in the middle of the room, gaze shifting back to Sakura, "you shouldn't be moving around. Doesn't your head still hurt?"

"I mean...yeah, a little. That doesn't mean I have to stay on bedrest though, right?"

"You shouldn't move too much until we can figure out what happened," Kakashi told her. "We still don't know how Orochimaru's tech was triggered."

"It was probably manual–"

"We don't know that," you spoke softly, meeting Sakura's glare head-on, "that's what Kakashi and I are going to try and figure out. But if it's automatically triggered by some kind of movement, we need to know so that we can stop it from happening again."

"So you want me to just stay in bed for months?"

"No," you and Kakashi said at once. Sakura grumbled something about strict parents before marching to where Sasuke was sitting stiffly on the couch. She fell back on the cushion between him and Naruto with a deep sigh, ignoring Naruto's attempts to talk to her. When she turned, she gave you and Kakashi a look that asked, is this good enough for you?

Despite her frustration with him, Kakashi couldn't help but scan his students with barely concealed fondness. It was the first time in nearly four years that he'd seen them like this, all together and safe in the compound. Naruto was laughing at Sasuke, who had decided to join you and Kakashi in scolding Sakura for being careless.

Kakashi wanted to stay. He wanted things to be the same as they'd been before Sakura was taken.

"We should go," you spoke at his side. He'd barely heard your approach, and he tried not to let any surprise show in his eyes. That doubt from before was still lingering, and if you really were a double-agent, he didn't need you knowing that you could sneak up on him.

"Right."

Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke were back to watching you carefully. Kakashi gave the room one more glance before he left to get the jet ready. Sasuke scowled at you as your gaze followed his teacher, wary of being alone with the others without him. Kakashi was the only person aside from Sakura who even remotely trusted you, and with Sasuke's doubt about Sakura's state-of-mind, Kakashi was the only person keeping him from you. Guy likely wouldn't stop him if Sasuke decided to confront you, and Naruto would keep Sakura from intervening; he just had to avoid anything physical.

He stood when he heard Kakashi's footsteps fade into silence, storming towards you and meeting your eyes with a practiced glare.

"I will only say this one time," Sasuke spoke quietly, ignoring Sakura's plea for him to stop. He heard Naruto hushing her, telling her that this was for the both of them. That you had attacked him, and they still didn't trust you. She quieted, but Sasuke felt her eyes at his back, "if you come back without Kakashi-sensei, I'll make sure you never see Sakura again. And if I find out that you betrayed him, I swear that I will hunt you down for the rest of my life."

The room fell into a heavy silence. You felt it pressing against your shoulders, trying to make you buckle under the gaze of everyone in the room. A room filled with people who didn't trust you.

You met Sakura's worried eyes for a moment before looking back at Sasuke.

"I understand."

"That's enough, Sasuke," Sakura pushed the boy to the side, blocking him from you and scowling, "you made your point."

A glower was the only response Sakura got before Sasuke was storming back to the couch and sitting silently next to Naruto. Sakura turned back to you with a deep scowl. You only chuckled, reaching a hand up and mussing her hair. In the days since you'd seen her, she had brushed through it and braided it behind her back, keeping all but a few strands away from her eyes. You tucked the rest behind her ear and smiled, shaking your head when tears filled her eyes.

"You have to promise that you'll come back," she whispered, "so that we can finally be free together."

"I'll be alright," you said, trying to smile despite the growing pressure in your chest, pressing against your lungs and making it harder and harder to breathe.

"And...and take care of Kakashi-sensei," she sniffed, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. Your eyes widened at the request, but you tried not to let your surprise show when she looked back at you, "you guys are going to be a good team. I know you'll protect each other."

You blinked at her, opening your mouth to explain that you didn't think Kakashi wanted the two of you to be considered a team, but thought better of it when you saw the hope in her eyes. She needed you to be a team. She needed you to keep each other safe so that you would both come back to her.

This was it. This was the purpose that you'd been searching for since you ripped yourself from Orochimaru's clutches.

Sakura needed a mentor. She needed someone who would protect her and look after her as she healed from her experiences in the Red Room.

Kakashi had always been that person for her. You became a placeholder when he couldn't be there, but it was him that she needed. You weren't stable enough to help her heal. You had the same fucked up mind that she did.

Kakashi would live. You would get him back to her, and you would make sure that he was there for her as healed from Orochimaru's torture, even if it cost you your life.

(previous chapter) | (next chapter) | (series masterlist)

Author's note | title is from "Timefighter" by Lucy Dacus

[kwebtv]

Cindy Morgan (born Cynthia Ann Cichorski; September 29, 1954 – c. December 30, 2023) Film and television actress best known for playing Lora/Yori in Tron and Lacey Underall in Caddyshack.

Morgan has multiple television and film credits, including portraying two roles on the primetime soap opera Falcon Crest, Lori Chapman in season one and Gabrielle Short in seasons six and seven. Morgan also played two characters, in two episodes, on the television series Matlock. Her other credits include guest and minor appearances on The Larry Sanders Show, Amazing Stories, CHiPs, and a co-starring role on Bring 'Em Back Alive. (Wikipedia)

IMDb Listing

[delicadelittledoll]

❝ I have survived everything but I fear that I cannot survive myself. ❞

— Cynthia Chapman

[littlelesbianintern]

✨ cynthia zdunowski playlist ideas ✨

rebel girl (bikini kill), bruises (reneé rapp), bad idea! (girl in red), barracuda (heart), weird girl (mommy long legs), ringside (julien baker), kissing lessons (lucy dacus), cool about it (boygenius), (you) on my arm (leith ross), crimson and clover (joan jett & the blackhearts), sweet cis teen (dazey and the scouts), candy apple red (annabelle chairlegs), pretty baby (blondie), alrighty aphrodite (peach pit), one of the girls (otha), double dare ya (bikini kill), who wears the pants? (soko), bad reputation (joan jett & the blackhearts), fast car (tracy chapman), just a girl (no doubt), only happy when it rains (garbage), gloria (patti smith), i wanna be your man (suzi quatro), mama weer all crazee now (the runaways), come over (again) (crawlers).